Universal Medicine cult gossip October 2014Posted: October 6, 2014
October 26: *The College of Universal Medicine presents piffle, sorry, SCIENCE *Halloween extravaganza October 19: *How to be a cult woman with the College of Universal Medicine *Cult options October 6: *Cult parallels – Serge Benhayon and Brazil’s John of God *Recycling Sergio
October 26: Another College of Universal Medicine five week course: How to sleep
Or it should be titled, how to behave like a complete arsehole, prey on people, bully them and wreck their lives, and then act like you don’t lose any sleep over it. Keynote speaker, Alison Greig.
As mentioned below, the College of UM is running out overlapping courses on nothing trying to wring every cent and every remnant of common sense from subscribers. The latest is called Healthy Sleep – Health Life. We all know UMers sleep between 9 pm and 3 am while the entities are active to avoid having evil spirits enter their base chakras looking to feed on dairy products – while they’re awake at least. And yes, science has proven sleep benefits health, which explains why UMers look like death and have to trowel on the make-up.
This 5 week course provides a practical foundation to develop a healthy sleep cycle by:
The Esoteric ‘science of sleep’ of course comes from Sergio da Vinci, who also teaches the SCIENCE of numerology, the SCIENCE of reincarnation, and that humans didn’t evolve from apes. The speakers include *Facts* Team fantasist Alison Grotesque Greig, health insurance fraudster and part time physiotherapist, Kate Greenaway, and the other Mystic dentist, Rachel motor scooter Mascord, who has probably learned SCIENCE from the original Mystic dentist, Rachel Hall’s ‘Harvard’ (nudge nudge wink wink) anti water fluoridation ‘studies’.
Because dental cavities are good for business for dentists, yes? Just as sleep deprivation induced stupidity is great business for cults.
Anyway, the intellectually well rested Brides of Serge are sure to spend the five weeks telling devotees how inflicting that sleep regime on children will impair their cognitive and physical development so thoroughly they are guaranteed to need behaviour management from Tania Curtis’ little money spinner, FABIC Behaviour Management, and have such irreparable imbecility they’re bound to end up as cult lifers. Like their parents.
Cost: $75 and what’s left of your conscience.
Another melee broke out in the Accountability bunker today over who would be wearing what to go trick or treating this year. It started with a discussion of what would be guaranteed to frighten the neighbours, but descended into an all in bout of Greco Roman wrestling. Princess is going as a Lord of Form, but You Know who objected to being used as her horse, and when she asked to borrow one of their capes she had a few things to say about the toast crumbs and red wine stains. The actual Lords of Form then got physical about who was going go as Desiree Delaloye and who would go as Alison Greig, and the only way I could get their hands of each other’s throats was to offer them the option of going as the Before OR After version.
And it’s not like there’s no other cult ghouls to go as. Sarah Davis!
I’m going as Paula Fletcher.
The chance to go as Micheal Benhayon caused uproarious laughter, however, and this is the first year no one has wanted to go as Serge.
Serge is passé.
October 19: College of Universal Medicine’s latest course: How to be a cult woman
Since the tax exempt College of UM has had to distance itself from its founder, his property improvement plan and his loony occult philosophy, it’s had to rope in the hierarchy of money grubbers to facilitate a bunch of worthless courses. The content is thinner than Sergio’s emaciated wrists and a poor disguise for his sham charity’s true purpose of recruiting new missionaries/donors for the charitable purpose of ‘owning their very own building‘.
The latest is a discounted version of Esoteric Women’s Health Pty Ltd’s recruitment pitches: ‘Being a Woman in the Cruel, Nasty and Pranic World Today’. It’s a four week course asking the question: ‘How are we really living today as women?’ The answer of course is hopelessly. Especially the blokes. The Girl to Woman Project’s predatory groomer in chief, and Esoteric Women’s Health promoter, Sara Harris, will conduct the Melbourne pitch and leave the Sydney pitch to Katie Walls, who has distinguished herself by having a diploma in something or other, from TAFE or somewhere AMAZING, yet making money out of piss take Esoteric healing.
From the course pitch:
This four week course is an honest, real and practical exploration of who we are as women and what we think it means to be a woman in the world today.
The behaviour of the cult’s beauty-full Women in Lyingness compelled us to push that sentence through the reality tester translator, and it came out in English as ‘This four week indoctrination is a dishonest, fanciful and useless diatribe on painting the world as hostile, convincing women they’re miserable and the solution is to join our cult, turn over their money, bully or be bullied, and call it a self-loving choice.’
The four week course is actually a prolonged Esoteric Breast Massage minus the groping, and including the obligatory instructions on how to fear and loathe any organism with testicles, how to become paranoid of catching cancer, and grooming tips for trying to look pretty while acting ugly. A follow up course will show how to take orders from a perverted misogynist runt, how to perfect passive aggression, how not to cross Desiree Delaloye, which is harder than it sounds, and how to bitch incessantly about anyone who intercepts the Benhayons’ cash flow. The planned advanced course will help women develop skills in trashing the advancements made by our feminist forebears, with a special focus on exploiting inequities in family law to punish ex partners and children.
Cost: $60 plus family law expenses and all self respect.
I’m bored with Universal Medicine. I take my eye off the cult for a few weeks and come back and nothing’s changed. UMers are still aggressive, still dull, still stupid, and still trying to rope in little girls and cancer patients. They’ve come up with no new content. They’re still trying to spread the old tripe thinner. Their big AMAZING development this year has been trying to sell ‘self-care’ like they invented it, and like it’s not something anyone can sort out for themselves without spending a cent. Or joining a cult.
Anyway, this month we’ve seen some suggestions for new cults to join. The Adidam cult mentioned in the comments is still staggering along, even though its Living God® is dead. Or one could throw oneself into the John of God maelstrom described below, with the option of having one’s base chakra inspected or one’s third eye accessed from within with the help of some unsterilized forceps. All mentioned cults guarantee they’ll take donations. And young girls.
A reader pitched another option for those in need of a guru. This guy has cut through a lot of the jargon and has a no nonsense approach to the essentials of looking special and spiritual. He probably taught Serge. His subscription may also be marginally cheaper, and the women in his videos, at least, are over 18.
October 6 2014: The world’s greatest healer? John of God vs Serge Benhayon
Sydney Morning Herald featured a fascinating report about Brazilian crook, João de Deus (John of God) who is the greatest healer since Jesus Christ. Serge can probably one up him though for being a fifth level initiate, a PHILOSOPHER, and arguably a better tennis player. Then again Johnny heals 6,000 customers per week and would probably flog him at arm wrestling.
Anyway, these guys have followed the same instruction manual for ‘healing’ scams, except João beefs up his healings with the use of surgical implements and no anaesthetic or sterile procedure. Blood loss apparently assists the pilgrims in releasing energetic attachment to their cash, and it makes Esoteric Chakra-puncture look like tickling.
Both these characters are untrained, uneducated buffoons with a star studded list of previous incarnations. The report says João is fully illiterate, which is one better than Serge who is only semi-illiterate. Strangely, João boasts of a supernatural ability to read tax receipts. Both of them work with ‘energy’ and ‘entities’, but in Johnno’s case, the entities are the good guys, and he doesn’t hate cats. Both of them sell AMAZING, aesthetically challenged healing symbols.
And neither of them do the healing. No. GOD does that, or the body, or you heal yourself or something. They just take the money
Both have managed to rope a large entourage of the faith-full into working for their multi million dollar businesses for nothing, and both of them give away their healing services for ‘free’. I believe the mercantile Lord of Form calls this schtick a ‘loss leader’ – an unsophisticated but effective method of getting people to fork out money via an initial pretence at good will. Serge’s favourite is treating cancer patients for ‘free’ and then receiving hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Glorious bequests. Johnno’s product line is more extensive than Serge’s though, and infinitely more imaginative.
João doesn’t charge for his consultations, but the treatments don’t come for free. There are eight crystal beds at the casa that are rented out on high rotation (for $60 an hour), as well as a gift shop selling all manner of John of God-branded merchandise: books, CDs, DVDs, tote bags, T-shirts, coffee mugs and crystals (“All crystals have been blessed by the Entity,” reads a sign on the wall). There are John of God pendants, postcards and travel pillows, even glow-in-the-dark John of God wall stickers. Both the gift shop and cafe also do a brisk trade in water that has been “blessed by the Entity”. People at the casa treat the “Blessed Water” like nitroglycerine. “Don’t drink it all at once!” Jana Tsu-Jones says one afternoon, when she sees me swigging from a bottle. “You’ll be up all night!” Sarah Layton tells me she regularly buys 10-litre jugs of the stuff to take home in her luggage. Then, of course, there is the “pharmacy”, where patients buy their healing herbs. I had assumed that the pharmacy would stock a range of different herbs to treat a range of different conditions. But no, there is only one herb for sale here: passiflora, the flower of the passionfruit plant. When I ask Coppola about this, he explains that it’s not what’s in the capsules that counts, but rather the “spiritual prescription” that John of God writes for each patient. “The intentionality of that prescription is transferred to the capsules at the time of purchase,” he says. Virtually all of the approximately 2000 people João sees daily receive a prescription for herbs. Some buy $50 worth, others as little as $10. The average purchase appears to be about $20, which would account for $40,000 a day, in herb sales alone.
Serge should take notes. João’s followers’ uniform is better too – all white, which is easier to mix n match.
Both of our healing savants have investor apologists with blasé excuses for their guru’s sexual improprieties.
Talk turns to the sexual assault allegations against João. “I’ve never seen any evidence of that,” says Pellegrino-Estrich. “But who knows? There are two different things: João, the Entity, and João, the man. A man is a man: we have impulses, right?” It could also be a simple misunderstanding. “There are seven chakras,” says Pellegrino-Estrich, “and the lowest one is the base chakra, and João may have put his hand on a woman’s base chakra, and freaked them out.” He sits back, shrugs. “It’s possible.”
Pellegrino-Estrich runs pilgrimage tours to visit the Entity/man, by the way, and also wrote a glowing biography.
And His Holinesses have a similar response to journalists and questions:
I squeeze in one more question, about the allegation that he diverted funds that were meant to go toward a soup kitchen into renovating his own home. This does not go down well. João begins a long rant, about how he has been a successful farmer and businessman, that he has worked for 50 years, that he is not a thief; quite to the contrary, the person who made that allegation is a thief, a vagabond and a bandit. He says he will show me his tax receipts and that he wants to see mine, too. Then he walks out, shouting, and does not return. Sydney Morning Herald, October 4, 2014
Anyway, for any of Sergio’s followers who are counting up all the money they’ve thrown away, relationships they’ve burned, and are weary of spending hours per day promoting other people’s businesses and bitching about enemies via input to multiple cult Facebook pages and blogs – and are looking for a new cult to join, with more spectacular ‘healings’ and all new routes to their base chakra, the João de Deus roadshow hits Sydney’s Olympic Park next month.
If any of you have volumes of Serge’s occult philosophy cluttering your hovels that you haven’t hurled into a dumpster yet, please consider donating them to the Accountability bunker. They come in awfully handy for lending to journalists and family lawyers, and for the bunker’s ongoing research into Serge’s bullshit. Please contact us for a mailing address or drop off point. Or just flip them out the car window as you drive by Lance’s place. No need to stop. Cheers.